By Carole Fogarty
Editor Rejuvenation Lounge and facilitator of Women’s Rejuvenation Retreats:
Rejuvenate Your Soul:
There is no better time than now to be reminded how draining, depleted and powerless toxic people, places and situations can leave you feeling. The tricky part is knowing when you are in the company of one, and leaving before you get zapped.
An important part of self care is all about appreciating and protecting your own precious energy levels. This simply means being mindful of the people, places or situations that you choose to give your attention and energy too.
From my own observations, children can sometimes be draining. However the big difference between children and toxic people is, children have the wonderful ability to fill us up again with hugs, smiles and love. Toxic people take and never give. You may even have some friends like that, who are all takers with no giving. Now might be a good time to reassess your situation with those friends.
Limit Yourself To Toxic People and Places:
1: Limit Yourself To Toxic People:
Energy vampires are everywhere. They demand your attention and can suck the life force energy out of you in an instant. Even a 5 minute phone conversation with one, can leave you feeling drained.
Toxic people come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They are generally addicted to gossip, conflict and drama and add no sense of well being to your life whatsoever.
2: Limit Yourself To Toxic Places:
Have you ever been drained by a crowded place, busy shopping complex or any indoor or outdoor environment?
I personally don’t like busy shopping complexes or supermarkets. The bright lights and excess stimulation can drain my energies all too easily. The closer connected I am to nature the more grounded I feel. Wherever possible I shop as local farmers markets, which are always outdoors and in the fresh air. I keep supermarket shopping to a minimum and prefer to go early mornings when they are mostly empty.
3: Practice The Power Of 30 Seconds:
Thirty seconds is all you need to decide if you are in the presence of a toxic person, place or situation. Simply turn your awareness inwards for 30 seconds (with or without your eyes closed ) tune into your gut feelings and calmly decide if your energies are being drained, attacked or zapped.
If after 30 seconds the person, place or situation feels draining then quietly chose to remove yourself. There is no need to judge, criticize or talk about it to anyone, not even to yourself. I would simply say, “It feels right to leave now”. Don’t become toxic yourself by creating a drama around it.
If you don’t leave then you are saying to yourself that it is acceptable to have energy drains, gossip, drama and conflict in your life.
Thanks for reading my post. Carole
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Great article, Carole! I noticed lately that people can be toxic at times and not at other times, like if they are going thru a stressful period in life. Sometimes we need to give people more space so they can pass through whatever they need to pass through at the moment and then reconnect with them when they feel better. Anyway, just an observation.
I too am drained by crowded stores. We have numerous 24 hours stores and I find if I go after 10pm, there are fewer customers and even the store personnel seem much more relaxed and pleasant.
I love to be social and enjoy the company of friends on outings or neat dinners together, etc. but afterwards I do need time by myself to recharge my batteries. I didn’t understand this about myself when I was younger, but this knowing is one of the gifts of experience
Happy, happy holidays! Many blessings on you and your house.
very well-written. I just ridded myself of a toxic friend myself not too long ago. what a relief from the draining of energy and strain and ugh all of it.
Interesting post and definitely a good reminder of paying attention to how we invest our energy and the importance of self-nurture.
However, I’ve started seeing the “other side” of this “energy vampire” question. I speak as one who’s pretty much been on all sides of this equation–the person being drained, the draining friend, and someone watching it all happen to other people.
It is true that most of us have at least some people in our lives who have difficulty with boundaries, aren’t good self-nurturers, and have needs that we can’t be expected to fulfill. But I would draw a bright line between that and a friend who’s going through a difficult time in their life and is pretty consistently negative in mood and someone with whom we have built a relationship that centers around us always giving and them always taking.
When people are assessing these relationships, it would be useful to look at the entire stretch of the friendship. It’s also important to have enough self-insight to understand why we may have been attracted to our gloomy friend in the first place. (Esp. if they are in the category of the all-take, no-give friend.)
The danger of taking the “stay away from toxic people” advice too far is that we can find ourselves in a space where anyone in a (temporary) bad mood or with legitimate reasons to grieve or be angry is cast aside because they are “too negative”. The result is a circle of friends so focused on maintaining a positive mood that the real tragedies and pains of life are not allowed to intrude.
It may help to say to people being drained by “toxic” friends and relatives–practice being your whole self around these people. That includes honestly sharing how their behavior overwhelms you and what you need to relate to them more healthfully. My experience is that the “drainer” will react negatively–from their point of view, they are already hurting, and here you go criticizing them–and you may very well receive the respite from their presence that you are seeking!
This is a difficult thing to do, but when I have managed to do it, *I* have felt better afterward. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation of my behavior, but I *choose*, as an expression of my connection to them, to share more of myself and my needs and boundaries, than I previously had.
Again, I liked this post, but I wanted to interject that there is more to dealing with people who make us feel toxic than just brushing them off.
I agree–when people and places get too overwhelming, you should take a step back, take a break, and then you can go back when you’re able to handle it better.
I find the best way to deal with toxic people is to change the rules of the engagement. Typically we’re stuck responding to these malcontents in the same old defensive, angry and hurt manner. Fight fire with water! If you’re on the phone with the toxic Tom, simply tell them you have to go – the toilet is overflowing, the doorbell is ringing, whatever and then say too da loo and “click” hit the disconnect button. We don’t have to keep playing by their rules.
Just read this article and completely agree. I am new to your blog and new to a healthy lifestyle. Can you give me any suggestions for someone who lives with a toxic person on how to handle that situation?
Thank You,
Kim